Tag Archives: Enlightenment

Random Thoughts on Spiritual Awakening – Part Two

Why is honesty so hard? My writing often feels forced. Whether I am trying to be too poetic, or poignant, or prophetic it is struggle to stay true to who I am. I am writing as if I am the person I want to be, not who I am. I struggle. I doubt. I suffer. I feel hopeful and hopeless. How can I write so much about abandoning thought when I still feel so trapped in my own? I have my moments and I try to write about those moments. They often lose power in my words.

I am afraid of honesty because of how vulnerable it will reveal me to be. I have been through some pain but it has been self inflicted. My life has been good. By good I mean nothing compared to the struggles of others. There has been no divorce, no cancer in anyone close to me, no drug addictions, no serious financial issues, nothing that typically would make someone suffer. I was single for a long time (married at 36) and I think near the end of my bachelorhood I was being pretty hard on myself.

My honesty feels superficial. I can only be honest to the extent that I am aware of the truth. There I go trying to be poetic again. There is alot of uncertainty in me. Alot of “What right do I have to express such deep truths?” I am consumed by this spiritual journey. Unfocussed at work at times. But other days, when I have some sort of breakthrough, I am very motivated and productive in both my leadership and execution. Many days I think that my spirituality will lead me away from this desk and thus I seem to value it less now. Of course that is not really accepting the present moment.

Last night, I had a moment of clarity. If you can forgive the spiritual lingo I will try to explain. Looking around my family room the feeling of oneness was strong. I could feel the underlying beingness of all things. Everything I looked at had in it the same thing that was deep within me. There was no separation. And without separation there is no I, no identity, no me. I may have eyes and ears but it was not me looking. It was the universe looking upon itself. And if there’s no me, no individual life, then there’s no individual death. That force within me will continue on in all things long after my body goes. I must sound like I’m off my rocker…

In my spiritual journey I am trying to have experiences like this but I wonder if I’m actually having it or is it just because I have read about it. I do actually feel peaceful during these revelations but it fades quickly. Last night was great but only this morning was my mind overactive again repeating my same patterns.

When I go to work in the mornings I regularly take a few moments in my car after parking for a little reflection, some writing, trying to get my head straight. This morning I found myself asking what do I need to do to have a more permanent shift. The response came that no thought would have saved me from my thoughts this morning. There was nothing I could have done differently. I am relying or hoping that some key thought will present itself that I can use in those moments to set the ship back on course. This is non-acceptance. From thinking that something needs to be changed. I wrote that it’s like trying to pour water into a cup that’s already full. I am already complete and in trying to change myself I create the problem.

Lighten Your Workload

To observe
To define
To derive meaning
This is the pattern of pain

In response the seeker attempts
To be an impartial witness
To accept
To be aware

True acceptance annihilates the acceptor
The term loses meaning and function
If you never knew war
How would you know peace?

A speck of awareness
Precedes all thought
You may be lost
But possibility renews eternally

Is it not enough to see?
Lighten your workload
Be simple
Find goodness

Molly

I jingle the keys and unlock my front door
Molly comes sprinting nails scraping the floor
Unable to stop she slips down the front step
“Calm down Molly please! You’ll kill yourself yet!”

Crying with joy she circles my feet
Sniffing and panting and dying to greet
I give her a pet, at most two or three
“Ship it!” I say and “Now just let me be!”

I sit down to remove my grungy work clothes
But there’s wind in my ear and a soggy cold nose
With a duck and a shove I give myself space
She darts back again with a lick on the face

After a long day at work I am not in the mood
I just want a beer to drink with my food
I walk to the table and glance down at the floor
Dog hair in each corner, more than ever before!

It’s been just a day since we swept through each room
It can’t happen that fast, it must be the broom!
Cursing her name I collect it by hand
She knows that I’m mad but does not understand

The evenings she spends pacing all through our home
She stares at us blankly, won’t leave us alone
“Do you have any food? Do you need to go pee?”
“What in the world are you asking of me?”

Frustrated and tired we send her away
The foot of the stairs is where she will lay
Now we sit on our butts and stare at the tube
Maybe Big Bang will help lighten our mood

Soon we’re asleep and awake the next day
The routine will repeat in the same dreadful way
Who is this guy, the ungrateful twit?
Whose temper ignites at the flip of a switch

Molly brings me only affection and love
And I push it away with a cold mindless shove
This is not at all how I want it to be
Is this how enlightened people would see?

Another chance is mine, there if I choose
I know I can change, there’s nothing to lose
The world is my oyster, I can do what I please
I’ll start the next time I jingle my keys