Category Archives: My Spiritual Journey

The Deeper I Look

The closer I get to enlightenment the more it frightens me. The deeper I look, the bigger it gets.

To transcend the mind is to abandon everything you “know” about yourself. Your likes and dislikes. Your fears and desires. Your definitions of love and hate, good and evil. It is the absence of who in the question ‘Who am I?’. It is to admit not only is there a God in you, but that you ARE God. That hidden within you is the purpose of all life. That you are an expression of life and while the form of that expression may pass, that essence of life, that Godliness within you, goes on.

To truly dabble in this world is overwhelming. When you do you start to separate from your attachments. In doing so you realize the sheer quantity of them. Your job, your house, your family, your personality, your hobbies, your wit, your look, your skills, your religion, your health, your thoughts… All unsteady as they prop up your identity. And every one must go. Not very easily done, even when your hand is forced.

It is a door that I’ve started to open and it won’t shut even if I wanted it to.

The Energy of Life

What is real? How do you define real? – Morpheus

Not only a line from a great movie, but also the topic of my wonderings for the last day. As I was sitting in traffic yeterday, mind wandering, thoughts arising, words and images coming to be, I had a piercing realization. Specifically about an image that was repeatedly coming into my head. Nothing bad, in fact probably the exact opposite. It’s right there as if I can see it with my own two eyes. I can easily describe it’s shape and colour.

But am I really seeing anything at all?

What is it that makes up this vision? There is definitely a feeling to it. A good feeling. It is quickly followed by overlaying thoughts building up it’s complexity. But I keep thinking there is no real picture in my brain at all. I am not “seeing” anything!

From the best I can tell this image is born completely out of energy. I would almost say energy created by me but since energy cannot be created nor destroyed I would have to say it is shaped by me. That energy is then interpreted by my brain to create an image or thought. Unchecked this leads to more thoughts and more images like a runaway train.

If you interpret your thoughts as good, then no big deal (for the moment), if not – uh oh!

A negative association with the energy you’ve shaped will then motivate you to try to justify why that the image appeared, why it does not define you, why it is untrue, and then push it away. This is energy versus energy. Of course, the more fuel you supply the more out of control the fire gets.

If you are anxious about flying, like me, that initial energy would be shaped into an image of myself sitting on a plane followed very quickly by thoughts of not wanting to be there, images of plane crashes, and feelings of claustraphobia. All born out of the energy I put into creating that initial image of a plane.

That’s a nice realization to have but what does it mean?

Initially this meant a new place to start when trying to be the observer of my thoughts. As I have read from many spiritual teachers, being the witness of your thoughts rather than getting wrapped up in them is key to finding peace. However, I have always had trouble with this. Being the witness of my own energy is much easier I find. There is no content to deal with and this process has brought me deep into my own body. I actually seem to difuse the energy when I do this.

Escaping this energy also functions as a window for the inherent energy of life to flow through me. When you shape your own energy it’s like you’re going against the flow of life. Nothing is needed. Just let the energy of life guide you in all that you do.

Random Thoughts on Spiritual Awakening – Part Two

Why is honesty so hard? My writing often feels forced. Whether I am trying to be too poetic, or poignant, or prophetic it is struggle to stay true to who I am. I am writing as if I am the person I want to be, not who I am. I struggle. I doubt. I suffer. I feel hopeful and hopeless. How can I write so much about abandoning thought when I still feel so trapped in my own? I have my moments and I try to write about those moments. They often lose power in my words.

I am afraid of honesty because of how vulnerable it will reveal me to be. I have been through some pain but it has been self inflicted. My life has been good. By good I mean nothing compared to the struggles of others. There has been no divorce, no cancer in anyone close to me, no drug addictions, no serious financial issues, nothing that typically would make someone suffer. I was single for a long time (married at 36) and I think near the end of my bachelorhood I was being pretty hard on myself.

My honesty feels superficial. I can only be honest to the extent that I am aware of the truth. There I go trying to be poetic again. There is alot of uncertainty in me. Alot of “What right do I have to express such deep truths?” I am consumed by this spiritual journey. Unfocussed at work at times. But other days, when I have some sort of breakthrough, I am very motivated and productive in both my leadership and execution. Many days I think that my spirituality will lead me away from this desk and thus I seem to value it less now. Of course that is not really accepting the present moment.

Last night, I had a moment of clarity. If you can forgive the spiritual lingo I will try to explain. Looking around my family room the feeling of oneness was strong. I could feel the underlying beingness of all things. Everything I looked at had in it the same thing that was deep within me. There was no separation. And without separation there is no I, no identity, no me. I may have eyes and ears but it was not me looking. It was the universe looking upon itself. And if there’s no me, no individual life, then there’s no individual death. That force within me will continue on in all things long after my body goes. I must sound like I’m off my rocker…

In my spiritual journey I am trying to have experiences like this but I wonder if I’m actually having it or is it just because I have read about it. I do actually feel peaceful during these revelations but it fades quickly. Last night was great but only this morning was my mind overactive again repeating my same patterns.

When I go to work in the mornings I regularly take a few moments in my car after parking for a little reflection, some writing, trying to get my head straight. This morning I found myself asking what do I need to do to have a more permanent shift. The response came that no thought would have saved me from my thoughts this morning. There was nothing I could have done differently. I am relying or hoping that some key thought will present itself that I can use in those moments to set the ship back on course. This is non-acceptance. From thinking that something needs to be changed. I wrote that it’s like trying to pour water into a cup that’s already full. I am already complete and in trying to change myself I create the problem.

Random Thoughts on Spiritual Awakening

I have always thought that awakening sounded like something that happened quickly, like the amount of time it takes coffee to brew in the morning (I guess that would be “awaking”). However, progress has been a bitch temptress. I curse her when she leaves, but the key is always under the mat

I am a bag of fear and confusion. I have tasted what I’m looking for but I can’t wrap my head around it. I am always acting as if I have figured out some part of it but I am still just floating in space trying to change my direction.

I know I respond the same way over and over to the same situations and it is clearly a reaction and in no way an indication of true self. But why would a brain take such comfort in repeating such dreadful patterns that cause so much pain. Does the brain not care about emotions? The body sure thinks they’re a drag.

I have lots to say about the world but I just can’t find the words. It is frustrating to feel that you have something insightful to say but nothing comes out of your mouth or gets written on paper. I often figure that if I keep writing I have to stumble upon wisdom at some point. Or that the “real me” will take over and enlighten us all.

I guess the “real me” is not really a “me”. When we get down to the core of who we all really are, we are all the same. We come from the same place with the same eternal forces in each of us. Damn it sounds so mystical. But I believe in defining love as that unifying force. Could a universe exist based on hate?

What if it’s not love or hate but just nothing? Well love can only arise when there’s nothing left to block it. Perhaps that is the genius of it. Watching Sandra Bullock spin through space in dead silence in Gravity I started to wonder if I could feel only love if I was in her shoes. However, I was busy giving my arm rests a death grip to spend too much time thinking about it. Absolutely terrifying.

Another part that blows my mind is how we don’t just exist in the universe but are the universe itself. So when we look around, or listen, we are actually the eyes and ears that the universe is using to see and hear itself! Absolutely incredible as far as I’m concerned.

Also, the enormous size of universe. Why is it so damned big? It’s like it is trying to convince us to stop spending any time trying to understand all of it because it is completely unrealizable. Or perhaps in it’s infinity it provides unlimited hope. Who knows what is out there? Perhaps a utopia. Perhaps that utopia can be here. Maybe it is here.

Jesus on Thoughts

This weekend I picked up the Bible for the first time in a while. I usually avoid it as it is difficult to rightly interpret and I fear that I will come across a passage that will leave me feeling judged. However I know Jesus is viewed by Eckhart Tolle and Marianne Williamson as spiritually enlightened and they often quote his teachings in the bible in their writing. Given that, whenever I read the bible I try to see a passage through my spiritual eye. In the one below Jesus talks about thoughts. Verse 26 raised questions for me. See my comments in italics.

From Matthew 6

25 “Therefore I say unto you, take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?

26 Behold the fowls of the air, for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?
– In spirituality isn’t all life equal? Nothing better than another? Isn’t all life an expression of God, or love?

27 “Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?

28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow. They toil not, neither do they spin,
– Really like this one. Meaning to just be and not worry.

29 and yet I say unto you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

30 Therefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, shall He not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

31 Therefore take no thought, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘Wherewith shall we be clothed?’

32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek.) For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

33 But seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.
– Since God is Love, to me this means to first find love in all things and you will have everything you need.

34 “Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.