I was at my desk creating a PowerPoint presentation for an upcoming meeting when I had one of those sudden ‘aha’ moments. This thought came suddenly:
“Wow, this is incredibly unfulfilling!”
The task that I was performing struck me as so mundane & ridiculous that I couldn’t help but chuckle at myself. The odd thing is that this realization didn’t make me sad; it actually made me feel lighter. I suspect that all moments of clarity manifest themselves this way.
There’s nothing to hate about my job. I have great friends there. I have advanced in my responsibilities and in my pay. I have never had a bad boss. So I have had every reason to stay the course.
After all, this well paying job has led to a big fat mortgage with a wife and baby to think about.
Back tracking a little bit, I have been on a spiritual journey for just over a year now. After 10+ years of increasingly severe anxiety and 4 years of on and off depression I was left with no choice but to become spiritual, especially since I wanted no part of any anti-depressant medication. No matter how real my problems seemed, I knew deep down that I had created them and I was determined to rise above.
Returning to yesterday, I experienced my first real connection with my true self.
I had been working towards inner peace for nearly a year with only marginal success. Then something happened during a 9:30 meeting. I was staring at the door frame over the entrance of the boardroom when my mind became totally still.
As odd as it sounds, it felt like I was connected to the door frame, and that connection was guiding me on a path backwards, inside of me.
Then it wasn’t just the door frame. It was everything I looked at. Everything offered another glimpse inside me. I was without any anxiety, depression, guilt, regret, anger, etc. There was peace, and there was joy.
The rest of my day was a revelation. My next meeting, which had potential to become very adversarial, went incredibly smoothly. I didn’t realize how well until a colleague pulled me aside afterward to tell me how impressed they were. Such a compliment fed my good feelings.
Next, in my peaceful state I decided to go out of my way to welcome a new employee that started in our area a few weeks ago. I know how daunting it can be in a new environment. She responded with a huge smile and I can’t help but think I may have brightened her day a little.
Beyond that, people that I had seen in the hallways for years without ever saying anything more than ‘hello’ struck up conversations with me. There was no doubt that people were feeding off of my energy. But I knew the feeling wouldn’t last.
There is a lifetime of momentum behind my unconscious living.
I knew that if I wanted the inner me to leave it’s primarily dormant state I would have to foster it. I needed to give my inner self a medium for expression and creativity. Hence the beginning of my blog.
My Inner Medium has three meanings for me:
First, I am on a quest to find the inner me. I have lived superficially for so long stuck in the pleasure-pain cycle. Who am I at my deepest level? How do I find him? What does he want to do?
Second, my inner medium is a state of mind. It is not too high during good times, and not too low during crappy times. I want to keep things on the level. I want to be at peace.
Finally, my inner medium is the blog itself. It is my gateway to my self. I believe that to create in pursuit of truth is to be aligned with the universe. As I creek open the door by writing my hope is that my true self makes it’s presence felt.
That looks good for a start. One last point is that I am going to keep this blog anonymous for now. I believe it will allow me to express myself more freely. Perhaps one day this will change…